Sporadic Thoughts

Update

2009-01-31T14:01:00.004-06:00

In roughly 24 days, I will be back on the road returning to California. Praise the Lord!

The only thing God showed me going into this season was that it would be temporary.... And Hallelu to the jah that it is! Surprisingly enough I am heading back to San Diego. An offer came virtually out of nowhere while I was just beginning to feel some solid clarity about the desires God has placed in my heart and it all lines up! In spite of how difficult this season has been, I can look back and say with gratitude that it has all made sense. God is good.

I've accepted a position as Life Development Pastor at a church called Grace. It's an old church going in a new direction, and I am in love with the vision God has given our Pastor (Tim Scott). I am excited for the opportunity to both be in a position that is a fit for how I'm made, but also in a position that will be a challenge and hold huge opportunity for growth. The heart, the pace, the personalities, it is all such a fit. I adore, Tim, Kimberly, their amazing kids, and I am looking forward to getting to know their team and the people of Grace.

I am so excited to be back in full time ministry. I am so excited to abandon this feeling of living someone else's life... but again grateful for the clarity that has brought. I am so blown away by God's love and leadership.

I am also grateful for EastLake Church and the great relationships that are very dear to my heart - and we get to do life together again! I am grateful for what I learned at EastLake... and how we will continue to partner in ministry to help people in San Diego find and follow Jesus Christ. I am grateful that Mike is great leader and that he has been involved in this process. We are on the same team - God's Kingdom team... And that makes it so fun to explore our next best steps in life and in ministry.

Over the past 6 months God has afforded me the opportunity to spend some very important moments with my family. Personally, I have had some major ups, and some major downs... honestly mostly downs... but I have learned to not despise the valley. It is there that we find passages of intimacy with Christ. It is there, in our desperation for Him, that He shows up - and right when we need it gives us a clear picture of who He is and who we are. He leads us... God is so incredibly faithful. We can trust Him when it doesn't make sense. We can rely on Him even when we question whether or not He is there. Because HE IS. It is so easy to become overwhelmed by the temporary, but God operates in the eternal. His plan is so much greater than what we can see. And He is so, so good... When we walk with Him, He gives us the desires of our hearts. Trust Him.

My friends in San Diego, I will see you soon!

Riding the Wave

2009-01-17T01:53:00.003-06:00

I remember reading in one of Rick Warren's purpose books about the importance of riding the wave. He compared churches or people (can't remember which book it was) to surfers who recognize that they can not create the waves, they simply have to trust in the wave maker, watch for the waves and ride them.

That metaphor is very vivid in my head as I am moving forward in this season of my life. It is so wonderful to just rest in the presence of God and ride the wave. As I am riding now I am overcome by the peace and privilege that is found in it all. I love it when you can clearly sense God leading... it's such a better feeling than when I'm forcing, creating, planning, analyzing, or trying to make it happen. As I stand where I stand now, I can truly say I feel like I am just riding a wave that the maker has made. It is so peaceful in this place. I love it... Who'd have thought - I don't know where the wave is leading for sure. I can't see the big picture. I don't know much. I just know I'm riding a wave I didn't create... and I love it.

Dot to Dot

2009-01-04T18:09:00.002-06:00

If given a highly detailed several numbered dot to dot puzzle, more than likely - before even looking for a writing utensil, I would stare at it. I would analyze it. I would compare it to things I have seen before. I would try with all of my might to figure out the whole picture. Before I would even put a pen to the paper, I would first try to get a clear picture of what all the dots were ultimately coming together to form.

While talking with a great friend a couple of weeks ago, I got this picture in my head and realized I do the very same thing with my life. When faced with decisions, or challenged to take steps - I look at each step, I try to see where it may lead, what the bigger picture is - the ultimate destination. I want to know the full story, and if I don't I will make a valiant effort to write it. As if it were some type of Mad Lib puzzle, I'd fill in the missing pieces with my limited and often out of context knowledge, and convince myself that it is the Gospel. After suggesting I take a Valium my friend offered this axiom, "analysis breeds paralysis." Ha! That, unfortunately, could resemble me.

Additionally, I have come to understand that while I have tried to reassure myself with the fact that God clearly spoke to me that this season would be temporary, I have not been encouraged beyond the surface with that. It's occured to me that I only find relief in the knowledge that something is temporary if I know exactly just how temporary it is and what will happen next.

And as much as I hate to admit, I know that these realities of my DNA reveal a greater presence of doubt and control than they do faith. God change me. Teach me to be present where I am. Teach me to respect the now and enjoy the journey. Take control. I trust you not just with things seen, but with things unseen - and I am learning to be content with what I don't know. I will do less figuring and more following (even though in the back of my mind, as I write this, I want to analyze the level of sense in that statement.) Oh boy, I am so not there yet.

Decisions

2008-12-04T15:38:00.002-06:00

Something I am learning about myself is that I am extremely uncomfortable making decisions in isolation. Not feeling like I can weigh all of the options before I have to step nearly paralyzes me. And I am not sure whether or not that's ok. As I look back and as I look ahead, I realize that rather than allowing opportunities to follow decisions in my life (for the most part) I use the opportunities that are unfolding as "clues" to the bigger picture, or as elements of possible direction... and those opportunities drive my decision making process.

Right now I am facing a huge decision. I have also been made aware that there are some potential opportunities, but the one to offer them does not want to reveal them until I have made the bigger decision. This is killing me! How can I make the big decision without knowing all of the alternatives? Am I backwards? In some ways I agree that the big decision should trump any other possibility. However, as I look at what might be the big picture, what if these other opportunities more effectively get me to that destination... or what if there is some kind of both/ and?

I am having a hard time deciding: do I want to do X or not? Period. It would be much more natural for me to say: I could do X, Y, or Z - which one makes the most sense? which one is from God? etc. And knowing that a Y and Z exist... I just won't know what they would be until I decide X is not an option... may just drive me insane! But are there times in life when you just have to look at X and not compare it to anything but X?

aaaaagawagagagagagagaagagahhahahahaaaa!

What's Next?

2008-12-02T20:09:00.003-06:00

Heading into this season I knew God wanted me in Chicago. I knew whatever I did needed to be in the field of autism. I knew whatever I did needed to be temporary. I also knew that something in this season was going to help me discover who I am… and more specifically who I am apart from a title, a job, a role, etc.

As I have stepped away from the stuff I loved most and back into the stuff I used to love, it has been amazing to watch God reveal to me to the common denominators that make up that which I’ve spent my life doing. And in revealing those things I have seen that it wasn’t my jobs who made me who I was, It was God. I brought who I was to those places… and I continue to be that person apart from them. I know this all seems so very fundamental, so elementary… I really don’t know if I can fully express, however, how intricate and monumental the discoveries of these truths are. These discoveries have not only helped me to accept the present, but to look to the future and see more clearly where and how God is leading me.

So at the core of who I am… My life’s mission… What I’m committed to doing overall, big picture is to spend my life helping people find and follow Christ. Within that, the two things I have been most passionate about, bring some specific direction to that overall calling. First, offering Christ-centered hope to individuals and families in crisis. That's a big one. The other - helping people discover who they are in Christ and helping them find a way to live that out. It’s neat to look back at the “fields” I’ve been drawn to and see how those opportunities or focuses have been at the core of both.

So what does all of this mean? A lot more school ahead… Hopefully a job at a church that involves counseling and some speaking opportunities… maybe a private practice that will fulfill the vision of the faith-based multi-faceted center for individuals and families in crisis... and hopefully a continued relationship with student and family ministries. You can take the girl out of youth ministry, but...

Now, all of that being said, I have realized something else about myself... I am really good at taking even just a little tiny bit of clarity, a hint of direction, and running full speed ahead with it. I am really good at convincing myself and others that I am convinced even when I'm not... at coming across as though I have a clear, complete picture even if I don't. That's probably not good... And this is why I am so completely grateful that I have people in my life who, if they see something else in me... if they have other ideas, perspectives, wisdom, heck, even opportunities... I AM WIDE OPEN TO IT. :)

Clarity

2008-11-22T22:00:00.002-06:00

If there is one great value of this season of my life it is the amount of clarity God is giving me - Clarity concering who I am, who He is, and where He is leading me. I love clarity.

Proverbs 29:18 tells us that without a vision people perish. I like how the Message translation states it: "If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what He reveals, they are most blessed."

So that is my focus now - attending to what He is revealing. I am excited about some next steps, and very excited about the big picture.

Perspective

2008-11-17T00:22:00.003-06:00

I am amazed by the power of perspective. In the last week and a half my perspective has been drastically altered and as a result my experience has been altered. I feel like me again. It is as though I was dead my first 3 and a half months here, and now I have experienced a re-birth. I am alive again. I am back. And for the first time since I left where I was, I feel like I am still the same me I was when I was where I was.

I wonder what it must have been like for the blind man to have his eyes opened, and the first image to ever behold was that of the face of Jesus. I wonder if it may have felt somewhat like what I am now experiencing. I am very much still in process, but my eyes have been opened - and I see Jesus standing so very close to me... I see Him going before me.

Don't get me wrong, I still deeply miss where I was and those I left - but as I am beginning to see more clearly where I am headed, I am alive again.

At the core of it all, at the heart of this turning point, I can see myself in church based ministry again. I believe I will once again have the privilege of serving God full time in ministry. I can even see what that would like. That is not something I could see when I was there... What would I be next? If what I was doing was coming to a close where could I see myself positioned next on a church team - I couldn't. I had no idea. But now I can. And I am even beginning to see how where I am could make sense. I am beginning to understand why God has me here.

And more important than anything else, I feel Him near...

His love endures forever.

2008-11-08T11:07:00.003-06:00

This week has, no doubt, been a struggle emotionally. And through the struggle there have been some weak moments. I have often found, though, that it is amid the struggles where God speaks. In the places of brokenness I am vulnerable, but also have a heart that is pliable. Out of desperation often comes revelation.

I have a level of clarity concerning my future, but more importantly I am seeing my God more clearly. I am comforted by His character, by His nature. I am reminded that He is all-knowing, that He is good, and that He is so very present. Whatever it takes for me to know God more, I want it in my life. And the more I know Him, the more I want to make Him known to others.

It has been this increasing passion, that was already so strong, combined with the fact that I am no longer in a church - that has made this season so difficult. However, I am trusting that this season will be a turning point. I am trusting that God knows exactly what He is doing, and that what He is doing in me is exactly what needs to happen to make me who He needs me to be.

And as I draw closer to the God I of hope I again have hope that He will continue to use my life to bring hope.

Weak Moment

2008-11-06T17:07:00.003-06:00

For the most part I have tried to be good. I have tried to appraoch this season with a positive, open-minded, faith-filled, growth-centered attitude. But right now, I'm just simply feeling over it. I don't want to be here. I don't want the job I have. I feel like I'm living someone else's life, and quite frankly I feel bad for whomever's life this is. The things that have made me feel alive are no longer a part of my life. So much that makes me who I am is either lying dormant, or is completely dead.

And I hate hearing myself talk this way. How annoying. Who wants to listen to or be a Debbi Downer. Who wants to attend, or live a pity party. Not me. But I'm just being honest. I am sure some time in the next few days I will come up with some inspired, hope-infused twist. I will probably even quote Scripture, and illustrate with some cheesy analogy concerning this point on my journey. But today, I'm just being honest. Today, I feel like I got off on the wrong stop and can't figure out why the heck I've stayed here this long.

And right now, I just want to go to Rubio's and get a fish taco, head over to the "new mall" and bump into 50,000 people I know, go back to my house on Turning Trail that looks like every other house in Rolling Hills - just a different shade of tan, wake up tomorrow and head into the church and remind everyone around me how blessed we are to be in full-time ministry.

But the reality is, I am here right now. And I am committed to this pursuit of what God is doing in my life - what God is doing in me. Ultimately all I want is Him and what He wants from me. I am His.

There is a part of me that feels good about the fact that I am not finding complete joy in doing life without friends, without a church, and not in ministry. I would hate to be content with that. Someday I will be back... and I will take with me whatever it is I am learning now.

This Detour

2008-10-26T23:21:00.002-05:00

I would imagine that what I am experiencing is common to any individual who has gone through a break, detour, or complete cessation of / from a role in full-time ministry... And I suppose I wonder what is commonly done with these feelings. If it becomes easier, does that really mean I have become numb? If I become comfortable with myself outside of a ministry role, have I really just settled or compromised?

What I wouldn't give to say I spoke God's word to hundreds or thousands of people this weekend. What I wouldn't give to say I gave hope to a desperate parent, reassurance to an unsure student, direction to a lost heart, truth to a confused soul, opportunity to a growing leader. What I wouldn't give to say I had the opportunity to lead people, to inspire, to challenge, to release, to encourage... But that's not where God has me right now. Oh, I hope to God where I AM right now is where HE has me.

There is this constant, gnawing, depressing feeling that I have dropped out of the race. That there was a real mountain I climbed for the last several years, and by my choice I have somehow slid to the bottom. I would love to think that at the end of this season I will be able to start where I left off... but bring to the next level a new and improved, more effective me. But what keeps me awake at night is the paranoid fear that I am fooling myself. Is it about status? No. Is it about fame, or title? Absolutely not. It's about influence, wide open doors, and opportunities to impact lives, and ultimately the Kingdom. 3 months ago, I was positioned in an incredible way to do this. I was at least positioned in such a way that I was more increasingly on the path to that goal. And now? My aunt dropped out of school three months before her high school graduation. I hope that what I've done is nothing like that.

I just keep seeing myself on this fast moving train - a powerful train moving full speed ahead - and me opening the door and leaping off. I think I thought I was jumping from one train car to the next, and that I would keep moving forward - full speed ahead - the view would just be different. Instead, I feel like I am standing in the middle of a wasteland wondering where the heck I am and what I've done... and I can sort of make out the back of the train in the distance but there is no way I can catch up.

Last Wednesday night I visited the church of some pastor friends. They took me on a tour of the youth wing where middle school and junior high services were taking place. I felt at home. And there was this weird sense that if I looked hard enough I would be able to find myself in there.

But underneath all of this desperate, paranoid ranting and screaming - there is this faint voice telling me that I just need to hang on. There is a bigger picture that I can't see, and that I am on the right path. There is a faint voice just telling me to trust. I guess that could be my own voice protecting me from the devastation that would follow if I came to the conclusion that I blew it... But I also believe it could be the still small voice of God - His peace and reassurance. More than ever I realize how little I trust myself, but how much I trust my great God.

And all I really want is to be all He wants me to be.

Thomas Ryan

2008-10-15T01:02:00.001-05:00

Is there any thing cooler than a 3 and a half year old who is tenaciously committed to enjoying every single moment of every single day no matter where he's at or who's around? I LOVE THIS KID!

Finding Encouragement

2008-10-05T21:48:00.004-05:00

I have found great encouragement in the fact that this season is just that - a season. My current situation is not permanent. The only thing I knew going into this, the only thing I was certain of even back in July when this decision was pending, was that this next step would be temporary and transitional. I sensed a long term vision from God regarding the founding of a faith-based, multi-faceted organization offering hope to individuals and families in crisis. A center to better bridge the gap between the church and those to whom the church is at least apparently inaccessible too. I am still convinced that is in my future. I have never been sure of what would come between this temporary season, and that future vision.

Back to the fact that this is temporary. Last week God kept bringing the account of Noah and the Ark to my mind. Noah took a big step of obedience and the immediate reward was not necessarily an all expense paid cruise through Utopia. I don't know why I would gauge my accurateness of the interpretation of God's direction on the experience that follows, but I have and I do. I take a step, the new reality is difficult, and I immediately assume I missed God. I don't know where that mindset comes from - I certainly don't see it in scripture. Maybe we are taught to seek peace as an attribute of God, His Kingdom, His direction, His plan. I suppose that makes sense to me - If I walk in accordance with Scripture in God's leading in my life, I can also expect to experience His peace. There is even a promise to back this up:

"Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble."
Psalms 199:165 (NIV)

But maybe the fallacy is in my definition of "peace" - like confusing happiness with joy. It is clear to me right now that peace does not equal the absence of struggle, therefore the presence of struggle does not equal the absence of peace. Peace goes deeper than temporary struggles.

This season is a struggle - no doubt about it... BUT, I have peace that God is ultimately in control of my life. I have peace beneath the struggle because I know my God is good. He is wise. He is kind. He is faithful to complete what He has started in me, and He faithfully completes me. And even in times that I may misstep, I have peace knowing that He is greater than my mistakes... And when I trust Him, but doubt me - He gives me great assurance. He is my peace.

Sure, like Job, on a bad day I can say, "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil" (Job 3:26 NIV). But I can also believe, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you" (Isaiah 26:3 NIV). I can also hold on to the words of Jesus, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14:27 NIV).

Maybe this is one ingredient in the secret of contentment.

Funny Dave

2008-09-25T23:59:00.002-05:00

So tonight through my paper thin windows I could hear the preacher from the Church of God of the Apostolic Faith across the street. He was quoting one of my favorite verses from Isaiah, "But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint" (40:31 NLT). He was gettin' his preach on.

This, of course, caused me to burst into song. Once the song concluded I naturally transitioned right into a message of my own. There I was alone in the middle of my kitchen preaching a sermon to no one (but me). And because it's good for the soul, I decided to confess this madness to a couple of my friends. Without hesitation, this response came from my good friend Dave,

"Nothing changes. You're preaching and nobody is listening."

Funny Dave. I miss him. And I miss speaking.

I love God's Word. I love that it is real and relevant to every person for all time and at any given moment. I love to communicate its truth in a way that connects with an audience - to unwrap the package, to convince, to inspire, to encourage, to offer steps toward obedience and application. I can't believe I used to get to do that several times a week. I can't believe I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have. I can't believe that I am done with that part of me either. And I hope to God He isn't.

My Challenge...

2008-09-22T12:59:00.002-05:00

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles." Philippians 4:11-14 (NIV)

Okay, so, look... This Paul guy is really throwing one at me here. This verse has been running through my head for several days now, but I have been hesitant to write it down... Hesitant because I don't know if I am ready to wrestle with it. And wrestle with it I will.

I am discovering something quite disturbing in myself. I would love to sing Paul's song, but an honest look in the mirror reflects something completely different. I am realizing that dissatisfaction, discontentment, restlessness, etc. these positions are a much more natural product of my DNA. This is bothersome. This makes me sad. I would like to learn to be content in every circumstance, but somehow it seems I have learned to be discontent in just about every circumstance.

Complacency terrifies me, but contentment I'd love to master. I am not sure, though, that I understand the difference. God teach me. God change me.

Worth it...

2008-09-17T22:21:00.000-05:00

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this.
(Rita Springer)

For years this has been one of my favorite songs to cry out. The surrender. The faith. But, honestly, it is now more than ever that I think I understand the heart cry behind it. It is now, more than ever, that I want to feel it.

Although I might have said I wondered, while standing before crowds of students every week preaching the gospel, making decisions daily that were centered around helping people find and follow Christ, impacting families - deep down inside I think I knew that every sacrifice was worth it. There was pain, frustration, isolation, etc. But because I got to do what I got to do - I knew it was worth it. There was an underlying sense of value that was constant.

And then there's now. At least for now - I've lost that underlying sense of value. It is now much harder to legitimize how I am spending my life. It's difficult to justify this existence when I am spending much of my time in a place where my hands are tied and the rest completely alone... Where there is no automatic platform to do the things that make it all obviously worth it. And now there is pain, frustration and isolation - but no immediate reminders of why it is worth it. There is the constant void of people I have left who I love deeply... but no absolute certainty of what it's all for... or if it's worth it.

And so now, I can truly say, "I don't understand Your ways. Oh but I will give You my song, give You all of my praise. You hold on to all my pain." And my prayer will be, "With it You are pulling me closer. And pulling me into Your ways..." And although I can't with integrity emphatically proclaim, "it's going to be worth it. I believe this" - I can stand on the truth that if I did screw this up, God can restore... And If I am indeed following His lead - if this is where I am supposed to be, and this is what I am supposed to do - there will be a later that makes sense of now and everything in between.

I learned Jonah's story when I was young and my thinking was concrete - black and white. Through that filter, I judged him harshly. God, forgive me. His struggle really makes so much more sense to me now, and I empathize with the guy.

Who the heck is this girl that I am?

2008-09-14T21:47:00.000-05:00

On Friday night I went on a boat cruise hosted by Park Community Church - the church I may have chosen to be a part of.

I was excited at the opportunity to meet some people, but somewhat nervous about going alone and not knowing anyone. I should have been more nervous. It was miserable. I didn't even recognize myself. For much of the night I was physically shaking and for the rest of the night I was looking for a place to hide. I became very familiar with the bathroom. How pathetic!

It was an eye-opener for sure. If God leads me back into full-time church ministry I will see things much differently. No matter what the event - nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing will be more important than making people feel welcome, and comfortable from the start, but then also throughout the duration of the event. There is so much more to visitor friendliness than having greeters that smile, ask your name, and point you toward the crowd. Wow.

And then there is the stuff I realized about me... If I would have been on boat on a Friday night with a bunch of church people at any point in the last ten years it would have been the time of my life. But this past Friday it was anything but. Had I been wearing a badge, rather than just a name tag I would have been everywhere talking to everyone. With only a name tag, I was paralyzed. I am pretty sure I am an extrovert - but somehow maybe I am only that when I have a role that I feel gives me a right to be so. I have always thought I preferred crowds to small groups or one on one. I am now discovering I do prefer to lead a large crowd... would much rather stand before thousands than before ten... But when I am not leading, I have no idea what to do in the crowd. When I don't have a job that makes it okay for me to take charge and approach people out of nowhere - I am a total chicken.

So, this small step toward connecting was also a huge reminder of how disconnected I am. Once we hit the pier I couldn't get off of that boat fast enough. Am I glad I went? I'm not sure. But God is definitely beginning a process in me - a process that begins with the surfacing of a lot of realities - and a process that will hopefully be full of and end with growth. And for that I can, and will, choose to rejoice.

Lessons from this week

2008-09-11T20:02:00.000-05:00

1. There are certain things you can't afford, but that you also can not afford to not invest in - Like the dinner cruise I am going on tomorrow night with what might be my new church. It is a "connect" event - so maybe I will connect with some people. Maybe I will even find someone I can sit with in church on Sunday. Sitting alone in church is just not for me.

2. It is miserable to be an extrovert fueled by time with people, and spend the majority of your time alone.

3. It is excruciating to invest your life in building up students, and be in an environment where standard operational procedure is to tear them down.

4. Banfield Pet Hospital totally ripped me off.

5. Forgetting your lunch and buying at the school cafeteria is never a better option than just going hungry.

6. This lesson requires the story: I thought for sure I was witnessing a drug deal in the hallway yesterday. Two students were hovered back in an unused doorway. Student A craftily handed student B a wad of money. Student B then opened his backpack while student A reached inside. My heart was racing and I was thinking of how I was going to handle the situation. When student A pulled his hand out it was filled with a package of Starbursts, and some Sour Skittles. Lessons learned: a. Even gangstas like candy, and not just "candy". b. Not all dealers on the South Side are drug dealers. c. I may have a little bit of prejudice in me that I need to work out.

7. If you drive a little north and go to the dog park in grant park in the south loop on a Thursday night, you can meet a really nice (and wonderfully created) man that loves Jesus. And hopefully you might see him there again someday.

Funny conversation

2008-09-03T21:10:00.001-05:00

So I met one of my neighbors last night while walking Brooke (yes, walking Brooke IS what I spend all of my free time doing). She (the neighbor, not Brooke) was telling me how much she likes this neighborhood and how not so bad it is. She asked me how my experience has been so far, so I told her about Friday night and the brick through my window. She said, "Man, what a bummer to have that happen in your first few weeks here. My car was stolen the first week we moved here - right off of this street - so I know how you feel. But, really, this is a great place." Um, maybe a long commute wouldn't be so bad.

A different world

2008-08-31T08:34:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking for a while about how different life is when you are not in the ministry. Let me rephrase that - I believe that each of us who have Christ in our lives is or ought to be "in the ministry" - no matter where we are, not matter what we are doing our first assignment/priority is to help people find and follow Jesus Christ. The differences I am experiencing and the things I am learning are more accurately concerning not being on staff at a church.

When you are not on staff at a church:

1. Life can be very lonely. Your position no longer comes with automatic relationships where there is a strong common bond, and a team to do life with.

2. You don't have to take work home with you, or even think about it when you are not there... I imagine that will eventually be a nice thing, but right now it's just weird.

3. No matter your level of self-confidence, you can experience a great deal of insecurity trying to jump in to an established church community.

4. Even if you are extremely outgoing you need people reach out to you.

5. The distance between Sundays is excruciatingly long. Before, the weekend was constantly sneaking up on me - now today's service can not come soon enough.

6. Opportunities to connect with others throughout the week are not a burden or "just one more thing for them to cram onto their calendars" - When church is the only place you are connecting in community, these opportunities are vital.

7. It is much more difficult to feel like you have a significant place in the Kingdom of God.

8. It is refreshing to be Christ to others when it simply comes out of who you are, rather than from your job description... not that that is the only motivation when you are on staff at a church - but when you aren't, and that is not immediately expected of you - there is something neat about it coming solely out of who you are and your personal relationship with Jesus.

9. You could potentially go from being "hugged" at least a hundred times a week to not being hugged once in a month.

10. You can go from interacting with hundreds if not thousands of people a week to only interacting with a small group of people over the course of a few weeks.

11. You actually have to/get to find a church - one doesn't automatically come with your job.

12. There are no automatic assumptions about your faith simply based on your job title... it all has to be demonstrated.

I am sure this list will continue to grow...

Could have been worse

2008-08-31T08:15:00.000-05:00

Friday night while I was out on a walk with Brooke somebody through a massive chunk of concrete through my car window. What a pain in the... window. There was glass everywhere, shattered in every divot and crevice. The chunk also took a gouge out of my glove compartment and the housing for my gear shifter. Nothing was taken, they just threw it and ran. I guess it was fun for them. Welcome to Chicago.

The First Church of God of the Apostolic Faith (across the street) happened to be having service. Some of them saw it happen, so they sent their security guards to stand guard around my car until I got back. They also called the police. It was so great to have someone standing there with me. The police never came, but I filed a report over the phone then called my insurance company. The whole time I was on the phone 3 of my new brothers from the church across the street cleaned out all of the glass in my car - sweeping and vacuuming for about an hour.

I guess a good reminder in all of this is that no matter how far away and alone you feel - when you are a part of the family of God you are almost always surrounded. I am grateful for that reality and reminder.

2008-08-28T23:05:00.000-05:00

From this... To this

A new day

2008-08-11T18:10:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what a good night's sleep and daylight can do. Last night was difficult for several reasons - total exhaustion from driving 44 hours, it was very dark, and I had no idea where I was, I still hadn't heard from my work regarding the drug screening I needed to take 48 hours before I could officially start working, all of my stuff being packed in a trailer I didn't have the energy to unpack, this plan I've had for just a few short weeks finally became reality, etc.

Well, I got a good night's rest, the sun came up and daylight definitely helps me to feel more secure about where I am, I was able to explore a little bit today (even got to walk Brooke along Lake Michigan), I got the call I was waiting for and completed the test - so I will only miss two days of work, and the trailer is unpacked - I've got a good gauge on where most of my stuff is. :)

I am reminded of an earlier post where I compared snorkeling to life - clarity and visibility are definitely my friends. I am learning that there is not much that stresses me out, or devastates me - but having many unknowns do both. Gee, I just may learn how to TRUST God COMPLETELY for EVERYTHING this year. That would be cool.

Now I'm going to go take Brooke for another walk. Pray I don't get mugged. Just kidding, I'll be safe. I think.

God knows what He's doing - not sure I do...

2008-08-11T01:04:00.000-05:00

Arrived in Chicago tonight after driving 42 hours in 3 days. That was crazy.

And now that I'm here I'm a wreck. I don't ever remember feeling so helpless - so afraid - so alone. What am I doing? Is it ok to say, "God I trust you, but I am freaked out!"? I hope so. I do, and I am...

Maybe I need to just ignore myself when I am in this state of mind. Maybe this whole thing will go a lot deeper than I thought it would. Maybe I just need a good night's sleep... that sounds good.

Changing roles, changing relationship

2008-08-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

In less than a week my dad will be flying here to San Diego from Michigan to drive cross country with me to Chicago. He did the same when I made the move out here from Minneapolis. I am really looking forward to this time together. As I reflect back on my relationship with my dad it is neat to see how our relationship has evolved as we have evolved... we've been "little girl" and "daddy", "pre-teen girl" and "freaked out dad", "teenage girl" and "gosh dad c'mon", "daughter moving away to school" and "proud father" - and lots of stuff in between. As I look at where we are now - the relationship of adult daughter to adult father is just as special. There is something neat about it... As our individual places in life have changed our relationship has changed - how I see him, how he sees me, and how we see us.

As I look at taking a new step in life... filling a different role in the Kingdom of God... I look forward to seeing the new relationship I discover with my Heavenly Father. I realize how much I define that relationship as "worker" to "Boss", or "commissioned" to "Commissioner", "servant" to "Master". I know God is going to reveal so much to me. It's frightening to let go of that identity - and to not be sure who I am apart from it with Him or with me, but it's good. It's very good. I am looking forward with a soft and fragile, yet excited, heart to the new ways I will see Him, the new ways I will discover what He sees in me, and the new ways I will see us. I am a bit afraid, but also looking forward to just being "daughter" and "daddy".

Big girls always get the bad wrap

2008-07-29T12:21:00.000-05:00

In case anyone ever wondered it is more than dificult to find an apartment in Chicago that allows 70lb dogs. I don't get it.

wow

2008-07-29T02:22:00.000-05:00

Standing before students this week and telling them what was going on in my life - and as a result in their lives - was much more difficult than I had anticipated. I love those kids. I love their families. I love the friends of theirs I've never met - those yet to connect with Christ... those yet to connect in a community where they can have fun, be young, and discover a God that is crazy about them... In so many ways this wasn't a job - it was a collection of relationships... But I hang on to the solid, clear, assurance that God is bringing in someone else that is going to take this thing to the next level. There is something solid going on here, but it was never dependent on me. It better not have been. I am so very limited. And now God is going to do something amazing. God is going to bring in someone amazing who will attract students, who will inspire them, who will challenge them and set up paths for growth. He is bringing in someone who will make them think, who will make them laugh, who will make them want to live for Jesus, who will impact families... I could not let go if I were not convinced it were true. What a great shepherd you truly are God. Although they really aren't mine, I dedicate them to you.

And as convinced as I am that He is leading them, I am convinced that He is leading me. But I have to be honest and say that watching myself walk away from full time church ministry is definitely more excruciating than I had anticipated it would be. There is great pain in the immediate picture, but also great pain in this larger picture. Regardless, I choose to obey - and pray to God that I am not missing Him in this. I am so certain. I am also so freaked out. I feel released from this job, maybe even from this "profession", but somehow the sense of responsibility, the "calling" that has driven me for years seems to only be growing in intensity. I am not altogether certain what that means... but I will take it with me to my next assignment. This is who I am.

God continue to let your voice scream in my heart. Guide my every step. I am nothing - but I am yours and I give all that I am to you. Use me. Don't let me screw this up.

Relocating

2008-07-25T19:47:00.000-05:00

Wow... I honestly can't believe this is happening. At this point it is all somewhat surreal. There is a huge potpourri of emotions defining where I am at right now. I know that God is in all of this - but wow - it seems crazy! I have sensed for about a year that a big change was coming, and about two months ago felt a very clear release from where I've been.

As freaked out as I am, I am truly excited. I am also grateful for the clarity God has given me. I would not have been able to take this step without that. For those of you with a background similar to mine - you may equate transitioning out of full-time church-based ministry with back-sliding. I have to admit in the past I have been guilty of that same viewpoint. But that would imply a lot of things that are simply unbiblical. God is teaching me so much. I have defined myself by this calling - or at least my interpretation of this calling - for so long. That's not Biblical either. Right now I do feel closer to Him than ever. And I am so excited to see what He has in store for me... How He will use me to help people find and follow Him in a completely new setting.

This next year will be transitional. God's given me some long-term vision and this next step - what comes in between, I am not sure. But for now, Praise God for His guidance. Praise God for His assurance that He is all that I need. Praise God for His grace and His peace. Praise God that I am complete in Him. Praise God for being so real, so close, for being my life.

If you'd like to know some specifics, I have included parts of the letter I sent to EastLake's student ministries parents and students. For those of you I am moving back closer to you - I can't wait to see you. For those of you I am moving further from - I can't wait until you come visit me. :)

I am writing to inform you that I have resigned from my position as Student Ministries Pastor here at EastLake Church. This letter comes with a great deal of sadness as you and your children have been a tremendous part of my heart and life for many years. Although transition is difficult I am confident that God is at work. I have been comforted by the reality that He is the Great Shepherd, and each of our lives are in His hands...

I have recently accepted a position at The Hope Institute for Children and Families in Chicago. I will be working together with the Chicago Public Schools in a pilot program serving students with Autism starting August 11th. My last day at Eastlake Church will be August 3rd. In addition to being on course with God’s long-term plan for my life, this opportunity will allow me to be back in the Mid-West. My grandmother was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and I am grateful God has opened this door for me to be closer to my family at this time... I am excited for what God has in store for my life, for your families, for your kids, and for EastLake Church. Luke Crosby will continue to lead High School Ministry. Luke is a proven leader and is doing an incredible job in this role. This past weekend more students attended high school service than at any other time in the history of EastLake Church. Luke and his wife Leslie are committed to EastLake Church and will continue to build a solid ministry for high school students here...

Many of you may remember Amanda Noyes. Amanda is another great leader with a dynamic personality and passion for students. Amanda will be leading Middle School, where she is known by many students, as our leadership team searches for a new middle school pastor.

I am confident God is in this, and Student Ministries at EastLake Church will experience continued growth. I look forward to exciting reports concerning what is happening here as God does exceedingly, abundantly, far more than any of us could ask or imagine…His plan is always perfect.

Strengths

2008-06-27T13:34:00.000-05:00

As a management team, we recently went through Tom Rath's "Strengths Finder 2.0". We are now having our staff go through this as well. I highly recommend it. Great book. Great concept. It seems like many personality, strengths, giftedness, etc. tests yield results that reflect current strengths in use, and even learned traits. This one, however, seems to reveal natural strengths which I think are extremely important to consider. It's amazing how much of our lives we spend focusing on, and trying to overcompensate for our weaknesses (or maybe that's just me). How much more effective when we can focus in on our strengths and operate from that place?

The Conspiracy of the Straw

2008-06-17T12:22:00.000-05:00

So I go through the drive thru seconds away from death by dehydration, or maybe just withdraw, and the only remedy to soothe my soul and keep my heart beating is a big swig of icy cold Diet Coke. I place my order, and follow the orders to pull forward to the next window after some garbeled expression of what it's going to cost me... and there it is! The Diet Coke of my dreams (who needs eHarmony?)... I can't wait to fill that emptiness - but I've got no stinkin' straw! What is that!? Every drive thru place around the country is involved in this thing - give them the drink, but hold the straw until their food is ready... It's like the Subway 1 napkin rule. Again, what is that!? Maybe they are afraid I will drink it all and request a refill before they finish filling my order. Maybe their fears are warranted. But come on, don't make me go extreme and take off the lid and start chugging, help a girl out.

The Merge

2008-06-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

Wow... Following christ is amazing. I have been doing a lot of processing. Wondering how some of my passions fit into my life... Wondering how I can offer my life in a way that all of who I am fits where my focus and energy are invested - a place where I can thrive and have the greatest impact possible... Where I can learn, where I can grow, where I can give. A "where I'm headed" that makes sense of where I am and where I've been as the two come together to form a solid path. I think I am beginning to see it clearly... not necessarily the path, but the destination... and I am experiencing an excitement regarding the future I have not experienced for a very long time. Thank you God for knowing the plans you have for my life, and for being willing to guide me on this journey. I trust you. Help me to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with you. I'm yours.

Snorkeling Lesson

2008-06-07T17:37:00.000-05:00

I love snorkeling. It's funny because it's something I definitely thought I would never even try... Because I have issues - major fear of creatures in the water and other miscellaneous things touching, scraping, or eating my legs unexpectedly. But I was in Hawaii, and fear keeping me from experiencing this just wasn't happening. So I did it. And I want to do it again.

Here is what I discovered: that oh-so-flattering mask allowed me to get over my anxiety. I had a great deal of visibility (I could see an amazing distance beyond where I was!) and extreme clarity concerning my immediate surroundings. You would think having such a close up clear view of the very stuff I feared would freak me right out of the water. Instead, the visibility and clarity completely changed my relationship with the situation. Maybe that's because the source of my anxiety and fear isn't actually where I was or where I was headed, but instead the inability to see it clearly... And then I realized, I do life like I do snorkeling.

Seriously?

2008-06-07T17:11:00.000-05:00

This is me ticked off. Why? That little man in Wal-Mart just got done asking me if I had ever been told how much I look like Kathy Bates. Kathy Bates? Kathy Flippin' Bates? Gotta tip for you little man with a big truck - that is no way to win friends and influence people.

Wishful Thinking...

2008-06-07T17:01:00.000-05:00

Someday?

Confusing

2008-06-04T00:20:00.000-05:00

I am currently in Minnesota celebrating the high school graduation of a very special young man. I got to know Thomas nearly ten years ago. I spent five years with him on an almost daily basis. In that time he taught me so much about autism, and so much about life. I was his "behavior therapist", but in so many ways he was the one teaching me.

In chatting with his mom, I discovered that once Thomas turned 18 (this past April) she had to go to court and actually pay a fee to become his legal guardian. This seems so absolutely insane to me. Does it to anyone else?

Life is like a gas fireplace?

2008-06-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

As we are getting ready to head to camp again - I peeked back at something I wrote after camp last year.,. thought I'd include it here. Haha! desperate for posts - reduce, reuse, recycle, right?

Last week I sat with a group of our students as we were wrapping up our last full day at camp. I admitted to them that I am deathly afraid of lighting my gas fireplace. I turn the gas on, and stick the flame in and there's always this big explosion that leaves me wondering if I have any eyebrows left. I compared that explosion to our camp experience. We came open to God, with our "gas turned on" ready to see what He had for us. Some of us approached fearlessly, some with anxiety or uncertainty (like me every time I light the fireplace)... But regardless of how we approached we all had an incredible experience with God.I warned them that the feeling would go away once we boarded the bus and headed back down the mountain. I warned them that as that feeling from "the big explosion" went away they would question whether or not it was even real... I wanted to make sure they understood though, that the "big explosion" was never the goal - that the "big explosion" served to ignite a strong, steady flame... that was the goal. In fact, if I were to light my fireplace and the explosion just continued over and over it would be an indication that something wasn't working quite right.We went on to discuss how we could continue that strong steady flame even after the feeling of the explosion was gone. The answers were pretty basic: worship God, talk to God, read God's Word, spend time with people who also love God... when we do that we realize that the best things about camp, don't stay at camp... and the flame keeps burning.

Maybe the answer for us who can get caught up in the job or profession of youth ministry, or even just the potential monotony of this journey with Christ whether in ministry or not, is just as basic. I don't think I have ever had enough discipline to live that out the way I should... and in my addiction to "big wow" things, I look for something else - but I'm beginning to think it really is just as basic as that.

I think I am also learning that staying connected to the heart of what I am doing is necessary for me as well. As much as I love to lead, cast vision, manage, and delegate... those things can cause me to forget why I am in ministry... So periodically, I need to have lunch with a student, go with them to camp, or maybe even lead a small group - instead of just telling volunteers how to do it. Unless I want to crush and cap our youth ministry, I can't be connected to every student... but to keep going, I do need to keep from allowing myself to completely disconnect... And to keep that flame burning, I've got to have the discipline to stick to those basics.

Me blogging?

2008-06-02T10:27:00.001-05:00

I am not sure why I have started a blog... I imagine I will be terrible at it! I look at my bookshelves and see several journals. In each of them, the first 5-10 pages are filled then nothing. Haha. Good intentions, but no follow through. I really hope that doesn't say something deeper about my character... But maybe this will be different. I will give it a try.

20 Minutes In

2008-05-14T14:19:00.000-05:00

I have taken up a new habit.. no... routine... no... masochistic commitment... yes, we'll call it that. 3 days a week I am finding myself on a "bike" in spinning class at LA Fitness. Spinning is straight up crazy. I would say I am experiencing somewhat of a love/hate relationship with it at this point.

A few weeks ago I noticed a pattern. Without fail - every class - I get to a point where I just feel like there is no way I can possibly go on. I want to quit. I feel like I might even die. I look up at the clock, and realize we are only 20 minutes in. I keep pedaling and notice another reality - if I can push through that 20 minute mark, I can make it through the last 40 minutes and finish strong - no problem.

So what about when you hit that 20 minute mark in ministry... What about in life? When you just want to quit. When you feel like you're dying... I guess you just keep pedaling. Maybe you hang on to the fact that if you just keep going you can finish strong, and past this point the ride may even start to become exhilarating. So you know what you've got to do is just keep pedaling.

There have been times in spinning class that I have realized the bike I was on wasn't adjusted quite right for my height (or lack thereof). I could have made up my mind to push through and just keep going. But the wisest choice was to hop off for a second and adjust the bike...

And maybe you get to a place in life where the wisest thing to do is hop off your "bike" for a minute and make some adjustments... or even just choose a new "bike" altogether. When you come to that place, you can't just keep pedaling... You've got to make some changes... but eventually you hop back on, and you just keep pedaling.

… Now the only time the best advice would not be to “just keep pedaling” would be if I were injured. If there was a wound that was agitated by this activity I could worsen the current injury or even cause a new one altogether. Rather than pushing through the pain, the wisest thing would be for me to stop and rest for a while.

Somehow all of the following verses are true:

Philippians 3:14 “I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to Heaven.” (NLT)

Psalm 46:10 "Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything." (MSG)

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 “ There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.” (NLT) And maybe you could say – “A time to pedal and a time to adjust. A time to stay on, and a time to hop off”.

As we journey with Christ toward “the mark”, there are a few questions we could ask ourselves:

Is there a part of me that wants to quit, when really I need to just buck up and keep going strong?
Is there reason to pause and make some adjustments so that I can stay strong for the long haul – so that I can persevere?
To get where I need to go, is it possible I need to switch “bikes”?
Has my “pedaling” simply become striving? Is it time for me to just rest for a while, and allow God to be God – allow me to be healed?
Am I walking closely enough to Jesus to know what time it is for me?