This Detour

I would imagine that what I am experiencing is common to any individual who has gone through a break, detour, or complete cessation of / from a role in full-time ministry... And I suppose I wonder what is commonly done with these feelings. If it becomes easier, does that really mean I have become numb? If I become comfortable with myself outside of a ministry role, have I really just settled or compromised?

What I wouldn't give to say I spoke God's word to hundreds or thousands of people this weekend. What I wouldn't give to say I gave hope to a desperate parent, reassurance to an unsure student, direction to a lost heart, truth to a confused soul, opportunity to a growing leader. What I wouldn't give to say I had the opportunity to lead people, to inspire, to challenge, to release, to encourage... But that's not where God has me right now. Oh, I hope to God where I AM right now is where HE has me.

There is this constant, gnawing, depressing feeling that I have dropped out of the race. That there was a real mountain I climbed for the last several years, and by my choice I have somehow slid to the bottom. I would love to think that at the end of this season I will be able to start where I left off... but bring to the next level a new and improved, more effective me. But what keeps me awake at night is the paranoid fear that I am fooling myself. Is it about status? No. Is it about fame, or title? Absolutely not. It's about influence, wide open doors, and opportunities to impact lives, and ultimately the Kingdom. 3 months ago, I was positioned in an incredible way to do this. I was at least positioned in such a way that I was more increasingly on the path to that goal. And now? My aunt dropped out of school three months before her high school graduation. I hope that what I've done is nothing like that.

I just keep seeing myself on this fast moving train - a powerful train moving full speed ahead - and me opening the door and leaping off. I think I thought I was jumping from one train car to the next, and that I would keep moving forward - full speed ahead - the view would just be different. Instead, I feel like I am standing in the middle of a wasteland wondering where the heck I am and what I've done... and I can sort of make out the back of the train in the distance but there is no way I can catch up.

Last Wednesday night I visited the church of some pastor friends. They took me on a tour of the youth wing where middle school and junior high services were taking place. I felt at home. And there was this weird sense that if I looked hard enough I would be able to find myself in there.

But underneath all of this desperate, paranoid ranting and screaming - there is this faint voice telling me that I just need to hang on. There is a bigger picture that I can't see, and that I am on the right path. There is a faint voice just telling me to trust. I guess that could be my own voice protecting me from the devastation that would follow if I came to the conclusion that I blew it... But I also believe it could be the still small voice of God - His peace and reassurance. More than ever I realize how little I trust myself, but how much I trust my great God.

And all I really want is to be all He wants me to be.