wow

Standing before students this week and telling them what was going on in my life - and as a result in their lives - was much more difficult than I had anticipated. I love those kids. I love their families. I love the friends of theirs I've never met - those yet to connect with Christ... those yet to connect in a community where they can have fun, be young, and discover a God that is crazy about them... In so many ways this wasn't a job - it was a collection of relationships... But I hang on to the solid, clear, assurance that God is bringing in someone else that is going to take this thing to the next level. There is something solid going on here, but it was never dependent on me. It better not have been. I am so very limited. And now God is going to do something amazing. God is going to bring in someone amazing who will attract students, who will inspire them, who will challenge them and set up paths for growth. He is bringing in someone who will make them think, who will make them laugh, who will make them want to live for Jesus, who will impact families... I could not let go if I were not convinced it were true. What a great shepherd you truly are God. Although they really aren't mine, I dedicate them to you.

And as convinced as I am that He is leading them, I am convinced that He is leading me. But I have to be honest and say that watching myself walk away from full time church ministry is definitely more excruciating than I had anticipated it would be. There is great pain in the immediate picture, but also great pain in this larger picture. Regardless, I choose to obey - and pray to God that I am not missing Him in this. I am so certain. I am also so freaked out. I feel released from this job, maybe even from this "profession", but somehow the sense of responsibility, the "calling" that has driven me for years seems to only be growing in intensity. I am not altogether certain what that means... but I will take it with me to my next assignment. This is who I am.

God continue to let your voice scream in my heart. Guide my every step. I am nothing - but I am yours and I give all that I am to you. Use me. Don't let me screw this up.