Who the heck is this girl that I am?

On Friday night I went on a boat cruise hosted by Park Community Church - the church I may have chosen to be a part of.

I was excited at the opportunity to meet some people, but somewhat nervous about going alone and not knowing anyone. I should have been more nervous. It was miserable. I didn't even recognize myself. For much of the night I was physically shaking and for the rest of the night I was looking for a place to hide. I became very familiar with the bathroom. How pathetic!

It was an eye-opener for sure. If God leads me back into full-time church ministry I will see things much differently. No matter what the event - nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing will be more important than making people feel welcome, and comfortable from the start, but then also throughout the duration of the event. There is so much more to visitor friendliness than having greeters that smile, ask your name, and point you toward the crowd. Wow.

And then there is the stuff I realized about me... If I would have been on boat on a Friday night with a bunch of church people at any point in the last ten years it would have been the time of my life. But this past Friday it was anything but. Had I been wearing a badge, rather than just a name tag I would have been everywhere talking to everyone. With only a name tag, I was paralyzed. I am pretty sure I am an extrovert - but somehow maybe I am only that when I have a role that I feel gives me a right to be so. I have always thought I preferred crowds to small groups or one on one. I am now discovering I do prefer to lead a large crowd... would much rather stand before thousands than before ten... But when I am not leading, I have no idea what to do in the crowd. When I don't have a job that makes it okay for me to take charge and approach people out of nowhere - I am a total chicken.

So, this small step toward connecting was also a huge reminder of how disconnected I am. Once we hit the pier I couldn't get off of that boat fast enough. Am I glad I went? I'm not sure. But God is definitely beginning a process in me - a process that begins with the surfacing of a lot of realities - and a process that will hopefully be full of and end with growth. And for that I can, and will, choose to rejoice.