Worth it...

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this.
(Rita Springer)

For years this has been one of my favorite songs to cry out. The surrender. The faith. But, honestly, it is now more than ever that I think I understand the heart cry behind it. It is now, more than ever, that I want to feel it.

Although I might have said I wondered, while standing before crowds of students every week preaching the gospel, making decisions daily that were centered around helping people find and follow Christ, impacting families - deep down inside I think I knew that every sacrifice was worth it. There was pain, frustration, isolation, etc. But because I got to do what I got to do - I knew it was worth it. There was an underlying sense of value that was constant.

And then there's now. At least for now - I've lost that underlying sense of value. It is now much harder to legitimize how I am spending my life. It's difficult to justify this existence when I am spending much of my time in a place where my hands are tied and the rest completely alone... Where there is no automatic platform to do the things that make it all obviously worth it. And now there is pain, frustration and isolation - but no immediate reminders of why it is worth it. There is the constant void of people I have left who I love deeply... but no absolute certainty of what it's all for... or if it's worth it.

And so now, I can truly say, "I don't understand Your ways. Oh but I will give You my song, give You all of my praise. You hold on to all my pain." And my prayer will be, "With it You are pulling me closer. And pulling me into Your ways..." And although I can't with integrity emphatically proclaim, "it's going to be worth it. I believe this" - I can stand on the truth that if I did screw this up, God can restore... And If I am indeed following His lead - if this is where I am supposed to be, and this is what I am supposed to do - there will be a later that makes sense of now and everything in between.

I learned Jonah's story when I was young and my thinking was concrete - black and white. Through that filter, I judged him harshly. God, forgive me. His struggle really makes so much more sense to me now, and I empathize with the guy.