Weak Moment

For the most part I have tried to be good. I have tried to appraoch this season with a positive, open-minded, faith-filled, growth-centered attitude. But right now, I'm just simply feeling over it. I don't want to be here. I don't want the job I have. I feel like I'm living someone else's life, and quite frankly I feel bad for whomever's life this is. The things that have made me feel alive are no longer a part of my life. So much that makes me who I am is either lying dormant, or is completely dead.

And I hate hearing myself talk this way. How annoying. Who wants to listen to or be a Debbi Downer. Who wants to attend, or live a pity party. Not me. But I'm just being honest. I am sure some time in the next few days I will come up with some inspired, hope-infused twist. I will probably even quote Scripture, and illustrate with some cheesy analogy concerning this point on my journey. But today, I'm just being honest. Today, I feel like I got off on the wrong stop and can't figure out why the heck I've stayed here this long.

And right now, I just want to go to Rubio's and get a fish taco, head over to the "new mall" and bump into 50,000 people I know, go back to my house on Turning Trail that looks like every other house in Rolling Hills - just a different shade of tan, wake up tomorrow and head into the church and remind everyone around me how blessed we are to be in full-time ministry.

But the reality is, I am here right now. And I am committed to this pursuit of what God is doing in my life - what God is doing in me. Ultimately all I want is Him and what He wants from me. I am His.

There is a part of me that feels good about the fact that I am not finding complete joy in doing life without friends, without a church, and not in ministry. I would hate to be content with that. Someday I will be back... and I will take with me whatever it is I am learning now.