Update

In roughly 24 days, I will be back on the road returning to California. Praise the Lord!

The only thing God showed me going into this season was that it would be temporary.... And Hallelu to the jah that it is! Surprisingly enough I am heading back to San Diego. An offer came virtually out of nowhere while I was just beginning to feel some solid clarity about the desires God has placed in my heart and it all lines up! In spite of how difficult this season has been, I can look back and say with gratitude that it has all made sense. God is good.

I've accepted a position as Life Development Pastor at a church called Grace. It's an old church going in a new direction, and I am in love with the vision God has given our Pastor (Tim Scott). I am excited for the opportunity to both be in a position that is a fit for how I'm made, but also in a position that will be a challenge and hold huge opportunity for growth. The heart, the pace, the personalities, it is all such a fit. I adore, Tim, Kimberly, their amazing kids, and I am looking forward to getting to know their team and the people of Grace.

I am so excited to be back in full time ministry. I am so excited to abandon this feeling of living someone else's life... but again grateful for the clarity that has brought. I am so blown away by God's love and leadership.

I am also grateful for EastLake Church and the great relationships that are very dear to my heart - and we get to do life together again! I am grateful for what I learned at EastLake... and how we will continue to partner in ministry to help people in San Diego find and follow Jesus Christ. I am grateful that Mike is great leader and that he has been involved in this process. We are on the same team - God's Kingdom team... And that makes it so fun to explore our next best steps in life and in ministry.

Over the past 6 months God has afforded me the opportunity to spend some very important moments with my family. Personally, I have had some major ups, and some major downs... honestly mostly downs... but I have learned to not despise the valley. It is there that we find passages of intimacy with Christ. It is there, in our desperation for Him, that He shows up - and right when we need it gives us a clear picture of who He is and who we are. He leads us... God is so incredibly faithful. We can trust Him when it doesn't make sense. We can rely on Him even when we question whether or not He is there. Because HE IS. It is so easy to become overwhelmed by the temporary, but God operates in the eternal. His plan is so much greater than what we can see. And He is so, so good... When we walk with Him, He gives us the desires of our hearts. Trust Him.

My friends in San Diego, I will see you soon!

Riding the Wave

I remember reading in one of Rick Warren's purpose books about the importance of riding the wave. He compared churches or people (can't remember which book it was) to surfers who recognize that they can not create the waves, they simply have to trust in the wave maker, watch for the waves and ride them.

That metaphor is very vivid in my head as I am moving forward in this season of my life. It is so wonderful to just rest in the presence of God and ride the wave. As I am riding now I am overcome by the peace and privilege that is found in it all. I love it when you can clearly sense God leading... it's such a better feeling than when I'm forcing, creating, planning, analyzing, or trying to make it happen. As I stand where I stand now, I can truly say I feel like I am just riding a wave that the maker has made. It is so peaceful in this place. I love it... Who'd have thought - I don't know where the wave is leading for sure. I can't see the big picture. I don't know much. I just know I'm riding a wave I didn't create... and I love it.

Dot to Dot

If given a highly detailed several numbered dot to dot puzzle, more than likely - before even looking for a writing utensil, I would stare at it. I would analyze it. I would compare it to things I have seen before. I would try with all of my might to figure out the whole picture. Before I would even put a pen to the paper, I would first try to get a clear picture of what all the dots were ultimately coming together to form.

While talking with a great friend a couple of weeks ago, I got this picture in my head and realized I do the very same thing with my life. When faced with decisions, or challenged to take steps - I look at each step, I try to see where it may lead, what the bigger picture is - the ultimate destination. I want to know the full story, and if I don't I will make a valiant effort to write it. As if it were some type of Mad Lib puzzle, I'd fill in the missing pieces with my limited and often out of context knowledge, and convince myself that it is the Gospel. After suggesting I take a Valium my friend offered this axiom, "analysis breeds paralysis." Ha! That, unfortunately, could resemble me.

Additionally, I have come to understand that while I have tried to reassure myself with the fact that God clearly spoke to me that this season would be temporary, I have not been encouraged beyond the surface with that. It's occured to me that I only find relief in the knowledge that something is temporary if I know exactly just how temporary it is and what will happen next.

And as much as I hate to admit, I know that these realities of my DNA reveal a greater presence of doubt and control than they do faith. God change me. Teach me to be present where I am. Teach me to respect the now and enjoy the journey. Take control. I trust you not just with things seen, but with things unseen - and I am learning to be content with what I don't know. I will do less figuring and more following (even though in the back of my mind, as I write this, I want to analyze the level of sense in that statement.) Oh boy, I am so not there yet.

Decisions

Something I am learning about myself is that I am extremely uncomfortable making decisions in isolation. Not feeling like I can weigh all of the options before I have to step nearly paralyzes me. And I am not sure whether or not that's ok. As I look back and as I look ahead, I realize that rather than allowing opportunities to follow decisions in my life (for the most part) I use the opportunities that are unfolding as "clues" to the bigger picture, or as elements of possible direction... and those opportunities drive my decision making process.

Right now I am facing a huge decision. I have also been made aware that there are some potential opportunities, but the one to offer them does not want to reveal them until I have made the bigger decision. This is killing me! How can I make the big decision without knowing all of the alternatives? Am I backwards? In some ways I agree that the big decision should trump any other possibility. However, as I look at what might be the big picture, what if these other opportunities more effectively get me to that destination... or what if there is some kind of both/ and?

I am having a hard time deciding: do I want to do X or not? Period. It would be much more natural for me to say: I could do X, Y, or Z - which one makes the most sense? which one is from God? etc. And knowing that a Y and Z exist... I just won't know what they would be until I decide X is not an option... may just drive me insane! But are there times in life when you just have to look at X and not compare it to anything but X?

aaaaagawagagagagagagaagagahhahahahaaaa!

What's Next?

Heading into this season I knew God wanted me in Chicago. I knew whatever I did needed to be in the field of autism. I knew whatever I did needed to be temporary. I also knew that something in this season was going to help me discover who I am… and more specifically who I am apart from a title, a job, a role, etc.

As I have stepped away from the stuff I loved most and back into the stuff I used to love, it has been amazing to watch God reveal to me to the common denominators that make up that which I’ve spent my life doing. And in revealing those things I have seen that it wasn’t my jobs who made me who I was, It was God. I brought who I was to those places… and I continue to be that person apart from them. I know this all seems so very fundamental, so elementary… I really don’t know if I can fully express, however, how intricate and monumental the discoveries of these truths are. These discoveries have not only helped me to accept the present, but to look to the future and see more clearly where and how God is leading me.


So at the core of who I am… My life’s mission… What I’m committed to doing overall, big picture is to spend my life helping people find and follow Christ. Within that, the two things I have been most passionate about, bring some specific direction to that overall calling. First, offering Christ-centered hope to individuals and families in crisis. That's a big one. The other - helping people discover who they are in Christ and helping them find a way to live that out. It’s neat to look back at the “fields” I’ve been drawn to and see how those opportunities or focuses have been at the core of both.

So what does all of this mean? A lot more school ahead… Hopefully a job at a church that involves counseling and some speaking opportunities… maybe a private practice that will fulfill the vision of the faith-based multi-faceted center for individuals and families in crisis... and hopefully a continued relationship with student and family ministries. You can take the girl out of youth ministry, but...

Now, all of that being said, I have realized something else about myself... I am really good at taking even just a little tiny bit of clarity, a hint of direction, and running full speed ahead with it. I am really good at convincing myself and others that I am convinced even when I'm not... at coming across as though I have a clear, complete picture even if I don't. That's probably not good... And this is why I am so completely grateful that I have people in my life who, if they see something else in me... if they have other ideas, perspectives, wisdom, heck, even opportunities... I AM WIDE OPEN TO IT. :)

Clarity

If there is one great value of this season of my life it is the amount of clarity God is giving me - Clarity concering who I am, who He is, and where He is leading me. I love clarity.

Proverbs 29:18 tells us that without a vision people perish. I like how the Message translation states it: "If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what He reveals, they are most blessed."

So that is my focus now - attending to what He is revealing. I am excited about some next steps, and very excited about the big picture.

Perspective

I am amazed by the power of perspective. In the last week and a half my perspective has been drastically altered and as a result my experience has been altered. I feel like me again. It is as though I was dead my first 3 and a half months here, and now I have experienced a re-birth. I am alive again. I am back. And for the first time since I left where I was, I feel like I am still the same me I was when I was where I was.

I wonder what it must have been like for the blind man to have his eyes opened, and the first image to ever behold was that of the face of Jesus. I wonder if it may have felt somewhat like what I am now experiencing. I am very much still in process, but my eyes have been opened - and I see Jesus standing so very close to me... I see Him going before me.

Don't get me wrong, I still deeply miss where I was and those I left - but as I am beginning to see more clearly where I am headed, I am alive again.

At the core of it all, at the heart of this turning point, I can see myself in church based ministry again. I believe I will once again have the privilege of serving God full time in ministry. I can even see what that would like. That is not something I could see when I was there... What would I be next? If what I was doing was coming to a close where could I see myself positioned next on a church team - I couldn't. I had no idea. But now I can. And I am even beginning to see how where I am could make sense. I am beginning to understand why God has me here.

And more important than anything else, I feel Him near...